Bucket lists are cliché

Here's my un-bucket list. A list of things to NOT do before I die.

1. Contract malaria. Or any other parasitic disease. Viral or bacterial disease of mild threat are acceptable because it could always make for a great story or a sobering, wake-up call type of near-death experience.
2. Go skydiving. I don't understand why this is on some peoples' bucket list. Why? I suppose it would be interesting to see and experience mid-air barfing, but I'm really not that curious.
3. Die. I hear that steady breathing is good for your health and can even increase your lifespan by about 90 years, depending on when you begin.
4. Become a castaway on a far away island living off of berries and tree bark. As fun as it would be to finally be able to intelligently answer the question "What five things would you want with you if you were stranded on an island?" I can do without the extra bit of knowledge.
5. Win a hot dog eating contest. If I ever do this, I would be too concerned to enjoy the glory. There HAS to be something wrong with me if I ever gain this ability.
6. Become a trucker. Believe it or not, I made a bucket list in junior high that included "drive up a runaway truck ramp". I don't really know why, because it certainly doesn't sound very thrilling. In an effort to put the past behind me, I've put the related possibility of becoming a trucker on my un-bucket list.
7. Sample exotic foods. One time, I was riding my bike and a bug flew into my mouth and I started choking. It was a terrible experience and knowing that other people enjoy eating bugs has resulted in this addition to my un-bucket list.
8. Run a marathon. I would die of EBMS (excessive body movement syndrome) before the end of the third mile.
9. Get married on the beach. If I'm paying a bunch of money for a dress that I'm only going to wear once, there's no way I'm getting it all dirty and wet by saying my vows on a beach. Besides, what if a seagull poops on my head when I say "I do"?
10. Climb an erupting volcano. I saw this on someone else's bucket list. This is a major no-no. "Molten hot" is only good in the form of hot fudge on a chocolate brownie volcano. I'd climb one of those.
11. Go to jail. No thank you. Most people may not realize that some of the things on their bucket lists will result in jail. There is a cruel feeling of imprisonment solely in the knowledge that you only own one outfit. And that it's orange. And it's all connected like an over-sized onesie.
12. Become a car salesman. Or saleswoman? I think I'll just include "Marry a car salesman." too because that has no appeal to me. I feel like car salesmen are their own species.

P.S. I started this before I saw your post Hayley, don't be offended! I hope you think this is funny :)